she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
