im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
