I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
