Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
