Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
