i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
