My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
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Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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