She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
