did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
