It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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