the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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