did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
