u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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