I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
