I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
