Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
