is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
