At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have tasted many bathrooms
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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