Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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