Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
