You don't have asthma, your pregnant
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
why do cheetos always look like penises
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
