the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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