i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
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She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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