Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
