Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
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He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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