i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
