The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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