dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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