Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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