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please come you make the beer taste better
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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