coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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