Just fell off a train. Bad.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
