i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
