I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
