I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
