I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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