were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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