I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
