UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
