Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
