On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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