So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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