Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
