Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
