dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
