I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
