Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
