life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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