got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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