I wish I only lived at night.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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