If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
