a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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