I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
