I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
bring money and cleavage
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
