is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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